Dear Mudblood, I hate you
by parakeetwuvs
Summary: Draco has Decided to correspond with Hermione through hate mail review bitte!
1. Dear Mudblod, I hate you

AN: I have a suggestion as to a song to listen to while Draco is ranting about Harry. It's called Potions Yesterday, by MoM. Great vid too. .com/watch?v=dEIpCCAh0T0

DISCLAIMER: sigh. If you recognize it, it's not mine.

Dear Granger. No, Scratch that. Ehem. How about Hate granger? Nononono… Enemy Granger? Enemy… Rival? No… What about just Mudblood. Maybe? …no, that doesn't look right. Hello Mudbitch? Yes. I think that's the one. Ehem. To commencement.

Hello Mudbitch,

I am writing you this letter so as to exemplify on how much I DO hate you. I thought I'd take a page out of the Dark Lord's (PRAISE HIM!) book. I've noticed that he sends letters once or twice a week to Scar Dork. Stupid face with that stupid scar and that stupid smirk and those STUPID glasses and that stupid wand and too big clothing! I mean really! Who exactly does he think he is? A house elf? Even those Weasle Freaks have clothing that fits! Tell him to buy some new robes! Honestly! I'll even pay for them myself!

Oh my, but I digress. The Dark Lord (PRAISE HIM!) writes bi-weekly letters to Mr. I-have-a-hero-complex to let him know how his life is going. And the orphan writes back, did he tell you? They're very close, even though they are the bane of each other's existence. Needless to say, we Death Eaters know everything about what's going on in his life. I hear Ginny's a wonderful shag by the way. Oh! He didn't tell you? That's right he didn't! Oh clumsy me. Oh well! They go at it like bunnies every other day in the room of requirements. Have done for a few months now. He said he hasn't told either of you because he wasn't sure how Weasleby would react.

So I thought, maybe I could do something similar. Because as Scar face Hero Complex is the Dark Lord's (PRAISE HIM!) bane, you are mine. It would only be courteous to keep in touch, yes?

Respond or I will kill you,

~Draco Abraxeous Malfoy


	2. Dear Ferret, I hate you too

AN: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Many mentions of gay sex, foul language, etc.

DISCLAIMER: not mine

Ferret,

Did you really think I didn't know about Harry and Ginny? Just because Harry hasn't told Ron doesn't mean Ginny didn't tell me. We ARE best friends after all. By the way, what the hell kind of a name is Abraxeous? Was your mother DRUNK when she named you? Speaking of your mother, I also know a little secret.

Remember when we captured your father a few months back? Yea, he IS still in Azkaban isn't he? How funny. Anyway, we gave him Veritraseum when we captured him. Did you know your father was gay? He slept with Voldemort! Your poor, poor mother. I mean imagine, not only is your husband cheating on you, but he's gay as well! And he's cheating on you with your bleeding boss! Absolutely hysterical!

I'm imagining your reponse to my letter now. "Shut up Mudblood. It is an honor to bottom for the Dark Lord (PRAISE HIM!)" Oh yes, that reminds me, your father bottomed. Wonderful no? Really gave old Mad-Eye the giggles. Like a school girl!

And what was with the (PRAISE HIM!) every time you referenced Voldemort? Are you as gay as your father? Tell, me Malfoy, do you love Voldemort because you bottom for him, or do you actually think he's a God? I mean really? PRAISE HIM! Oh my Merlin that's RICH! You sound like some sort of religious muggle cult!

I can see you now-

"Oh-Oh yes my lord! Right there yes! Ahhhhhh! PRAISE YOU! AHHHHHH! MORE MORE! –Oh my Lord! Oh, Dark Lord PRAISE YOU! I'm Coming!" And then of course you would scream like a little girl no?

Malfoy, is Voldie a cuddler? Or is he the 'shag em and leave 'em' type? I would have him down as a cuddler.

I've heard from the grapevine that you ARE a cuddler. Is it true that you CRIED when Astoria Greengrass didn't want to stay with you after doing the dirty? Even if it isn't it's still a GREAT story Ferret boy.

One last thing before I send this back to you with Harry's owl with strict instructions to peck your eyes out.

What was going on with that heading? If you couldn't decide you could have at least switched parchment paper instead of making yourself look like a stupid prat. Hate Mudblood? How idiotic.

I hate you more than Dumbledore loves lemon drops,

~Hermione Jean Granger


	3. Is lemon an Euphemism?

AN: ! Draco Draco Draco, what am I going to do with you hm? Thanks for your reviews guys; I think this may be a record considering the number of hits I've gotten.

DISCLAIMER: not mine. *sigh*

Hello Hermione JEAN Granger,

What an enormously MUGGLE middle name you have. Hermione is an all right name for a witch, I've never heard of a muggle named Hermione. Well, except for that one in that play by that old poet guy… And she was named after a witch anyway. But what the hell kind of a name is Jean? Isn't that a type of muggle clothing? And then your assessment of MY middle name! For your information, Abraxeous is a family name, and it is a great honor to have been named after my great great great great great great great great great-grandfather! Anyway, it's better than JEAN!

Oh, and as to your lemon drop comment, Though I hate you a great deal as well, I do doubt it is possible to hate someone more than Dumbledore loves Lemon Drops. I mean really. Father says he's been handing them out since HE was in Hogwarts, and between you and me, that's a pretty long time. And aunt Bella said that once, when she was in Hogwarts, Dumbledore had to leave for a few months. The professors said he was visiting some sick family member, but no one's that stupid. Everyone knew the old bat didn't have any relatives left.

The rumor going around was that he was in Lemon Drop rehab. And you know Lemon is another word for doing the dirty. I wonder if Lemon drops are just a euphemism for sex, or if he's just ACTUALLY addicted to muggle candy. Wow… huh… Oh Salazar, imagine, he's offering you a lemon drop but he actually wants to bed you! EWWWWW! Salazar! I'd rather transfer to Gryffindor!

In regards to lemon, the euphemism, it would be an HONOR to bottom for the Dark Lord (PRAISE HIM!)! Though I do not necessarily 'swing that way', I would be honored to do so if the need arose. (Can I be frank with you? The Dark Lord (PRAISE HIM!) is REALLY HOT shirtless. All that pale flab….. YUMMY!)

And yes, you assumed right, the Dark Lord (PRAISE HIM!) IS a cuddler. But of course, what kind of die-hard devotee wouldn't want to snuggle with their master? Not that I have of course. That was my father's job. And now my Aunt Bella's. Though she has been talking about some sort of kinky threesome lately. I have no problem with the Dark Lord's (PRAISE HIM!) body, but my Aunt Bella… Ew. That's just nasty. Contrary to what my family believes, I'm really NOT into incest.

And NO little miss know it all. I would only EVER cuddle with my Dark Lord (PRAISE HIM!). I did NOT cry when Tori left my bed. I just… got something in my eye. Yea, that's it. Draco Abraxeous Malfoy is NOT a cuddler! *sob* TORI! *sob*

Let's see… What else do I need to respond to from your letter? Oh, I was low on parchment paper and I refuse to dignify you with my pureblood stationary.

Hmmm…. Mad-Eye giggling? I'll believe it when I see it. The (PRAISE HIM! (PRAISE HIM!)) is a spell cast upon all followers of the Dark Lord (PRAISE HIM!). We praise every time we say, write, or think His (PRAISE HIM!) name. And you think you're so clever, comparing me to a cult member. Well. I don't even know what a cult is, so joke's on you! (And I scream in a very masculine way thank you very much. You can ask Tori, or Daph, or Pansy, or the rest of the hot Slytherin girls, and even some of the guys. It's true.)

Until next time Mudbitch,

~Draco (My middle name is better than yours) Abraxeous Malfoy


	4. Draco screams like a girl!

DISCLAIMER: thank you JK Rowling and Wikipedia, for the cult thingy.

Dear Dumbass,

I never knew you could be so incredibly stupid. I mean, of course, I knew you were stupid. I just didn't know you were THIS stupid. I mean honestly! I just can't even get over HOW INCREDIBLY STUPID you are. I'm having trouble writing this! Honestly, I just can't even stop laughing from your last letter! It was lovely really. In a kind of laugh so hard your knickers fall off and dance across the floor kind of way. Honestly? Honestly? HONESTLY? Bwahahahahahahahahahaaaaa! Oh Merlin, oh Merlin, oh Merlin! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHH! Oh-Oh I can't stop! Oh Merlin I can't stop laughing! Oh- Oh I need a calming draught! Oh- Why thank you Ginny, *ehem*. Sorry about that.

I lost control for a moment there. Now, Malfoy, allow me to explain to you exactly what a cult is. *ehem*

The word **cult** pejoratively refers to a group whose beliefs or practices are considered abnormal or bizarre.[1] The word originally denoted a system of ritual practices. The narrower, derogatory sense of the word is a product of the 20th century, especially since the 1980s, and is considered subjective. It is also a result of the anti-cult movement which uses the word in reference to groups seen as authoritarian, exploitative and that are believed to use dangerous rituals or mind control. The word implies a group which is a minority in a given society. The word was first used in the early 17th century denoting homage paid to a divinity and derived from French culte or Latin cultus 'worship,' from cult- 'inhabited, cultivated, worshiped,' from the verb colere 'care, cultivation'.

I do hope that this is enough of an explaination for you. Idiot.

Really? You scream like a man? I don't believe you. I _did_ ask the Slytherin girls. They promised me that you scream like a girl during sex. A _little school_girl! When they told me that, I needed another calming draught. Shall re-count to you what each said?

Pansy- "Draco? He screams like a crying baby in bed. I find that attractive in a man though. Why? You don't want to steal him away from me do you? DO YOU?"

Astoria- "Bwahahahahahahahaha! Draco is THE pussiest man I've ever had the displeasure of bedding! Did you know he cried when I left him after sex? It was hysterical!"

Daphne- "Oh, Draco? Very lovely actually. He's very interested in bondage you know. It really suits my dominatrix personality. He doesn't mind playing the bottom at all."

Blaise- "Oh, yea, Draco's my best mate. You could definitely call us friends with benefits. You know, I am bi, that's the only reason I'd be able to do him. No gay man would do him because he's too womanly, and only Pansy would as a female. I mean really, what straight bird wants to fuck a womanly bloke? It's just like shagging a woman without boobs. Exactly like. He even makes bird-like noises in bed!"

Ehhh… I could wirte more, but you don't deserve it. Good bye Malfoy.

Hermione JEAN Graner


	5. wikipediosum

AN: No inspiration… It's like pulling freaking teeth people! Ugh. My inspiration bought the farm and now lives in the big bird cage up in the sky. Anyway, don't feel bad that I've been neglecting you, it's nothing personal. I've been kinda neglecting life lately… :P

This pathetic excuse for a chapter is for you Sammi bird. I love you.

Disclaimer: MEH! _Wikipeiosum_ is my own creation, thank you. Rest of it belongs to "good old JK!" according to the Doctor.

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Note to self… murder Blaise in his sleep…

Hello Granger danger,

I definitely deserved a long letter than the rubbish one you sent me. I graced you with an abnormally long letter and all you have to say is that you're a lazy ass? You didn't even write that definition out by hand. I recognize the _Wikipediosum_ spell when I see it. Beautiful. I'll have to remember to tell my liege (PRAISE HIM) that you are a less than worthy foe. More likely, you are not even a worthy advisory. Maybe I'll get a new one. Weasel can't be that terrible.

…Oh… never mind, he really can be, can't he? Oh, dear Salazar, that is awful. _That is awful_. Oh, my eyes. My eyes! Do you know what I just saw? Do you know? Oh, well, I suppose you probably don't as I saw it. And not you.

Shall I tell you? Maybe I shouldn't. I'm not sure I want to relive it, but at the same time…

It would completely rip your heart out.

You know, I was planning to write you a letter responding to everything you said, but I think instead I'll just tell you the story. And then I think I'll hand deliver this next message and watch you read it.

So… It all started about twenty minutes ago, when I was walking down to the kitchens to bully some hous- I mean, to grab a snack…..

AN: Feeling wholly uninspired today… you guys should give me ideas for the story! It would help a lot. ;)


	6. The pear is gone!

AN: So I've been gone forever…. I don't even really know if I'm back yet. I'm trying, but… It's just really hard to work up the will and inspiration to write. Don't get me wrong, I love to write, and I'm inspired to do other things, it's just… I miss my Sammi. He was my writer's heart, you know? I mean, I've moved past it and all, but there's a lot of stuff that's just hard to do without him. He's kinda ruined Negima for me, he absolutely loved that anime. He was so cute, every time one of the characters talked, he'd tweet and chirp and hop up and down. But I am writing the occasional poem, and I'm drawing and painting, taking pics, etc. I have a deviant art now, check it . HOPEFULLY I'm back. But don't be surprised if I don't stick around. I love you all!

DISCLAIMER: not feeling it. You know how it goes.

…..

So, I was walking down to the kitchens, wand in my hand, handsome on my face. Rather uneventful trip, blahblahblah, yadayadayada, etc.

HOWEVER! Upon reaching the bowl of fruit, I noticed something a little strange. The bowl, rather than filled with the usual fruit, was filled entirely with lemon drops. And though I try very hard to squash it, Salazar knows I try, I am a very curious wizard. Believe you me, the Dark Sex God(PRAISE HIM!)- I mean, Dark Lord (PRAISE HIM!) does NOT approve of curiosity.

*shudder* I can't even bear to recount what happened to the last man who was too curious… I wouldn't want anyone to have to suffer through a description of that…. No, not even _you_ Granger. You need to keep a little of your prudish innocence intact. I've officially lost my "what the ! $# $^#$%^! #$*)^&&^#%^ !%#& *%^&*$^ #$! # $!#$ ^&^*(+_)(*&^%$# #$ % &^ #~ #$%&**(*(*&(*$%#$#$##$%^^ && **)*($#$ ^# $YRWHSTG^IH*^O%N$ %^ %^#R&& (&346vr th56u#%^uyh#%8 ^54Y^33u67iV6u67 Bi6j5Vvhv6 7i7n9l8;89O&*(I%$^Y#U%T^Y #$% YU^*&INB^& VU%Ujh6g7uv5 4jyvU6Hi95784356Vu 56ibn687%665%$%$%# ##$#T%YUBb767 6776^&$$&b7 B&b&nN89N(&43B#%TYV#^7575^7%676v456#54c is goingin on here!" virginity.

Oh, right, lemons, back to the story. Based on our previous discussion, (you know, about lemon drops being a euphemism and such, back in chapter 3) I was very hesitant about reaching out and tickling it.

When I did do so however, the bloody portrait wouldn't move. It just sat there. Mounted on the wall, laughing at me. Because it is a wanker. Yes, a wanker.

So I pondered. And I pondered. And I pondered.

And pondered.

And pondered some more.

Until finally I came to the conclusion that as the bowl was filled with lemon drops, and lemon drops are a euphemism, the only way to get into the kitchens would be to engage in sexual intercourse with the portrait. (NOT quite as yummy as the Dark Lord (PRAISE HIM!) mind you….)

So, I gathered up my courage, unbuttoned my trousers, and let my pants fall to the floor. I slowly slid my hands down my stomach, took my long, thick, masculine, pulsing shaft into my hands (because it's so big that I need BOTH hands to wank, fuck yea!) and stared rubbing slow circles around the - wait, I got carried away there. Let's fast forward, shall we?

And there, bent over the tables, surrounded by pastries and what I really really really really really hope (but doubt) was frosting-

Wait, no, that's too far…. Bloody quick quote! Don't ever buy one of these, they're rubbish. (not that you could ever afford one anyway, mudbitch.) Hold on….

There, that should do it.

I started yanking faster and more furiously, fisting myself with my magically enlarged right hand, and fingering myself with my magically stretchy left hand. It felt so good, my hand on my peepee, my fingers on the inside…. I was just about to climax when the portrait door creaked open. I marked my place, returned my limbs to their normal size and shape, told my snake I'd be back later, and climbed inside.

Oh bloody- I'm out of parchment paper. Well. Sucks to be you Granger. We're going to Hogsmead this weekend, I'll buy more parchment paper. You can wait a few days.

To be continued, your worst and most bitter enemy,

Draco Abraxeous Malfoy.

P.S. My middle name is still better than yours.


	7. So this is hate?

AN: Hi. Back. Prolly not for long. I know it's different, not as good, I had something great planned, but I forgot it in the twoish years I haven't written, and I want to get past this chapter. My O button is fucky again, so if I'm missing any, that's why.

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Where was I? Oh yes, I climbed inside the portrait hole.

When I got inside the slaves surrounded me like flies on hippogriff shit. I punted one, in an effort to assert my dominance, and then I walked further into the kitchens. I was about to grab an apple from the fruit basket on the main table when I heard pear like noises coming from the closet next to me.

Let me just take this moment to relish what I'm about to write. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… Okay.

So do you remember that little club thing you started in fourth year? B.A.R.F. or something? All about "freeing the slaves" and shit. Hah, that was so stupid.

Anyway, I opened the closet door and walked inside. And there, bent over the tables, surrounded by pastries and what I really really really really really hope (but doubt) was frosting, was your stupid ginger fuckstick of a boyfriend. And Prof. Dumbledore. And that one house elf, I think its name is Dibble?

So there's Old Dumbly, sticking his shriveled wrinkly prune of a dick up your boyfriend's arse hole, and Dibble's got this thing hanging in front of his 'nads, I guess it was supposed to be a penis. Looked more like a straw to this sex fiend.

Anyway, wrinkles one and two were swimming in pasties and tag teaming your boy-toy's ass.

And really, I guess I should have been disgusted, but all I could think about was how pissed YOU were gonna be, and how I couldn't wait to fucking be the one to tell you.

So this is hate? Falalalalalaaaaa!

-Your bitter enemy

~Draco Abraxeous Malfoy

P.S. With a middle name like Brian Percival Wolfric, who wouldn't like Dumbledore more than you?


End file.
